December 7, 2010

Mom

This is an anti-feel good post.  You've been warned. I wrote this back in August but then it was too painful to read and finish so I put it out of my mind. Which begs the question, should you put your deepest and darkest out on a blog? That's a whole other conversation...

Recently I spent a week in Michigan to see my dad and to work.  On the drive from Algonac to the Detroit airport I thought a lot about my mom.  10 years ago last month when I was only 25, my mom lost an extremely short, but excruciatingly painful, fight with cancer.  I think the combination of being in Michigan along with the recent death of a friend's father brought me back to that time in my life.  There are a few things I know about losing your mother.  1. over time you may think about it less, but it never really gets any easier  2. no one loves you like your mother loves you, they love you more than anyone else ever could 3. life is not the same without your mother in it.

I thought back about what a selfish biatch I was growing up, typical teenager I'm sure.  I thought about how nasty I was to my mom at times and how she got the brunt of my anger when my parents split up.  This is one of the only regrets I have in life.  I thought about how our relationship may have changed if she had lived.  And I thought about the week she spent in the hospital before she died, before she slipped into a coma - she held me as I cried and told me it would all be okay.  I think she felt more pain that her baby was crying then she felt knowing she was about to die.  I think this is the single most painful memory that I have.  Don't know why I shared.  Can only stuff it down so long.

6 months later my grandpa died, my mom's dad.  It was a one-two punch.  Less than two years later I was living in Colorado. I probably wouldn't have moved otherwise. And then maybe I wouldn't be married. Silver lining? So that's part of my story. What I remember most about my mom is not the disagreements, it is that no one loved me more or was prouder to have me as their child. Now I have Tanya looking out for me, and Bernie's family with all of their strong, smart women, and my Dad's wife Katie.

It's almost xmas, but don't wait until then, give your mama a big tight hug as soon as possible.

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